until my bride walks down the aisle… I cannot wait!!!

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Written on Dec 31… 2005

I was text messaging back and forth with my fiancé… and, as couples who are in love tend to do, we started sharing our hearts with one another… not our daily schedule or our to-do lists, but our deep feelings and emotions about each others personality and character and the other things that draw us into an intimate relationship… The last text I received from her did something to me… I don’t really know how to explain it or put it into a precise formula, but it did something big… My eyes kind of teared up a little, and there was this feeling in my chest as if someone had just punched me in that spot where your rib cage comes together… but it wasn’t a painful feeling, really, it was more like my heart expanded inside to the point that it felt like it could burst out of my chest… and while it was swollen like this, it beat really hard for a few seconds… and it was like this feeling was something that seemed to strike the deepest part of my humanity… as if this feeling was what being alive was all about… I got so overwhelmed by this unexpected moment that I pulled out my laptop and had to type this out… I think this is going somewhere…

So why did these simple typed out words on my cell phone mean so much to me… Maybe it’s because I have some sort of insecurity problem about loneliness and not being loved, or feeling less than everyone else, or growing old and having lived an average life… I don’t know… that might be some of it – my need for affirmation… but if these words meant so much to me simply because they stroked my ego, then why haven’t the compliments I’ve received from other people throughout my life meant as much as this one??? I’ve had other girlfriends who have said nice things… and I have many friends and aquaintances that have acknowledged my talents… or wanted to have dinner with me… or have complimented my character… So what made this text message so significant???

Maybe it was because it was natural…not forced… not the result of some major incident that occurred… I was just sitting at a coffee shop reading, and my fiance was just waking up on a lazy Saturday morning… We weren’t side by side, gazing into each others eyes, in some sort of romantic euphoria… In fact we were like 30 miles apart… We simply started sending each other text messages and suddenly this beautiful expression of feelings and emotions found it’s way out of her heart, and onto my cell phone screen…

Maybe it was because it was unexpected… You know how sometimes you have these moments where it’s almost a formality to express some sort of nice or romantic feelings for someone else… Like after a date has ended and you have to bring closure to the night… or in a birthday card… or after a big fight… After some time, you almost have an expectation for your loved ones to share something significant with you at these times… However, sitting in this coffee shop, I had no expectation… These words truly surprised me… sort of… which brings me to my conclusion…

I say that her words “sort of” surprised me because, as much as I didn’t expect to read them, I already knew that she felt this way… It’s like there was this perfect collision of what I knew in my head and what I felt with my heart… I knew her words were true, and honest, and authentic… and there was this deep appreciation for the time she took to carefully and deliberately and creatively express the feelings I already knew existed…

Sometimes, I wonder if this is the way God feels when we have those moments of honest relationship with Him… I’ve had a few of these moments… like the first time I prayed an honest prayer (where my exact words were “God, I’m really pissed off at you right now”… but that’s another story for another blog entry…) or like this first time I shed tears because I realized that the fullness of my sin was absorbed on the cross… or the night that I layed on a picnic table staring into outer-space verbalizing the fact that God is bigger than I can comprehend and that He will always be mysterious…

I wonder if He has moments where His heart pounds because someone He loves shares an honest, unexpected and natural moment with Him… where true feelings are expressed in vulnerable ways… Maybe this feeling I felt after receiving this text message from the one I love and desire and pursue comes from the core of being human… and maybe the very core of our humanity says something about the core nature of God… after all we are created in His image… whatever that means is still a mystery to me… and by no means am I saying that I am God… but maybe, just maybe, He gives us moments where we can catch a glimpse of His heart’s desire for intimacy with us… and if you could ever feel the way I felt about my fiance’ today, then you would want to be in a relationship with a God who feels that way about you…

Moments I’ve Experienced:
1. engagement to Ms. Rachel Hamilton-including first kiss and finally saying “I love you”
2. baptizing Ms. Rachel Hamilton in Oct. at APEX
2. birth of Gibson Jude Wing
3. stepping foot on the continent of Africa for missions work
4. living w. Mr. Abhinav Krishna
5. marriage of Mike and Gina Lacy
6. marriage of Neil and Kristi Rogers

Movies I’ve Seen:
1. Cinderella Man
2. Hitch
3. 24 - watched all 4 seasons in 2005… pathetic!!!
4. Lost - season 1

Albums I’ve Purchased:
1. David Crowder – Collide
2. Coldplay – X & Y
3. Michael Buble – It’s Time

Songs I’ve Heard:
1. True Light – Phil Wing
2. Majesty – Delirious
3. How Sweet It Is – Michael Buble’
4. Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape - Underoath
5. Marvelous Light – Charlie Hall
6. You and Me – Lifehouse
7. Old Dirt Hill – Dave Matthews Band

Books I’ve Read:
1. Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller
2. Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey
3. Facedown - Matt Redman

Sermons I’ve Listened To:
1. Rob Bell – A Day of Atonement
2. Rob Turner - Sex for Dummies: Back From the Brink
3. Rob Turner - Deep Waters: Suffering - Conditioning for the Deep
4. Erwin McMannus - Ministering to Postmoderns
5. Harvey Carey - One Truth

New Friends I’ve Made… in no particular order, of course!!!
1. Tom, Lisa, Michael, and Rebecca Hamilton
2. Dan and Abby Garman
3. Chris Poteet
4. Jeff Dehart
5. Brian and Meaghan Whithoeft
6. Paul and Becca Whitacre
7. Tamara Steck
8. Katie Roe
9. Dan Thompson
10. Jon Wasson
11. Melanie Lane
12. Amanda Wagers
13. Scott Salsman
14. Matt Burgy
15. Curt & Debbie Cosenza
16. Dave ad Jenny Dorr
17. Jim & Eva Duddleston
18. Mark and Joan Eilers
19. Jeff Long
20. Maggie Reno